My Gift

Thirty years ago yesterday my eldest daugher was born. I remember it like it was yesterday. Her dark hair swirled around the top of her head and she was perfect having been born a C-section birth. She had no marks, no cone head and no forcept marks. She was beautiful. Had she been born with marks or flaws, I’m sure I would not have seen them. This gift from God was the most precious thing he had given me thus far.

As I look back on the gift He gave me, I can see that left to His devices, she would be more than she is today. She would be at peace with herself and others. She would not be filled with worry and self loathing. She would be exactly as He created her …. perfect. As fate would have it, I thought I new more than my maker and decided to mold her into what she “should” be instead of what she is. Please, don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderfully caring humanitarian who is truly concerned with the people around her. She has been described as “one of the most caring people I have ever met.”

Yes, she is all. She is all that except to herself. Yesterday on my daughter’s birthday. Thirty years ago I wrapped her up in her “blankie” I brought her home. That blankie became a part of our everyday lifes for years. It made her feel safe and secure; who knows, at that time in her life it may have been her Higher Power. Yesterday, I wrapped my daughter up in her blankie that is long thread bare and worn. I held her in my arms close to my chest and kissed her lovely on her cheek. In my mind’s eye I could see a few drops of my tears fall onto her face. I lifted her up and asked God to do with her as He say fit. I lifted her and said, “Your will not mine, and please don’t allow me to take my will back.’ She is Yours, she has only been on lone to me.

Just what we need

Sometimes our Higher Power gives us just what we need, just when we need it even though it may not be what we want when we want it. For the past 4 days I’ve been down and out with a could (which the doctor tells me is left upper lobe pneumonia) but thank God for antibiotics and I am well on my way to recovery. I have been in such a hurry in my life these past few months that I have given but a small amount of my time to my Higher Power and have been far less grateful for what He has done in my life than I should have been. So, having this “cold” has set me back a little in my life but has given me the grand opportunity to lay and listen to my Higher Power. So often I say, “Thy will be done,” but then I take it all back by thinking “My will be done.” Who do I think I am when I know that He sees the big picture and all I can see is one frame at a time.

Steps 10, 11, 12…………and then back to ONE

Sleep has been evading me for the past few nights.  I am unsure whether my lack of sleep is due to this cough that won’t seem to quit or my mind racing at the speed of light; most likely it is the combination of the two. 

After I finished steps 4-9, I thought the Al-Anon program would be easy street, then I seriously looked at Step 10.  Hmmm… so…..what I had been doing (painfully I might add) in steps 4-9, I must do on a daily basis in Step 10.  I’ve read the step many times, read it at home, read it during prayer and at every Al-Anon meeting I attended.  It wasn’t overtly daunting until I took a good solid look at it right after I completed step 9.  I kind of chuckled to myself thinking they shouldn’t have named them the 12 steps by the clock that only went to 12 and then started all over again.  After shaking, pouting and whining, I realized that Step 10 isn’t so bad.  It is what I have been doing almost on a daily basis since I took my personal inventory in step 4 and then made amends.  Now… I just make them quicker.  I don’t wait until I have a list of 1000 cast of characters to go and make amends to… I have one person at a time… the person I harmed right then… or recently…. and make amends immediately.  Let me tell you my friends, this Step is a walk in the park and so freeing when  you begin to recognize quickly your own behavior and can immediately let it go by making amends quickly. 

No, Step 10 is probably not that simplistic, but it is so very important.  It’s not all that intimidating either. 

Step 11, without realizing it, I started to do when I entered the Al-Anon  program.  I just did it a little differently.   “Please God, let my life be without trouble.”  “Please God, let me have a great day at work today.”  “Please God, let me…. let me…. let me……”    Slowly my prayers began to change….  “God….this may be what I want…but your will be done.”   Then I started to pray….  “God,  you know what is best for me, let your will be done and give me courage to carry that out.”

Step 12 started when I began to be a little more at ease in meetings.  I began to unplug coffee makers and empty them at meetings.  I began to welcome those I didn’t know and introduce myself to those I had seen before but couldn’t remember their names.  That is a service, I just didn’t realize it.  I thought service was holding some office or sponsoring or whatever anyone asked me to do. 

After “finishing” my step work not too long ago (like last week); yesterday I found myself right smack at Step 1.  Now, I have to ask myself the question….. did I fall down the stairs, or am I merely on the upswing starting a  new progress in my life>

 

My vision

Today as I prayed and meditated my own thoughts got in my way and I struggled to wipe them clean and listen to what my Higher Power wanted me to see and do.  I have a specific way I like to pray and meditate.  I start off with meditation to get a  picture…a quiet thought of my Higher Power in my mind’s eye and then I continue to my meditations.  This morning it didn’t work out that way so I started off with prayer.  I have several prayers that I like to pray and I like to stop and listen to each word so I say them out loud.  When my mind kept getting in the way I thought, “This is just useless, I might as well be cleaning the house.”  I decided to just read from my daily readers and that would be that.  The last passage I read today was from Courage to Change for this date.  The passage speaks of a person who seems to me was struggling in her own mind about a loved one.  As the person sat and listened at an Al-Anon meeting another member spoke of envisioning her loved one at a beach basking in the light of her Higher Power.  Although this person couldn’t relate to the beach idea, she put her own vision into place.  The person said it was “important to be specific, after all our my fears and worries are specific.”

When my daughter was young, she carried around a “blankie.”  It was her constant companion.  This morning, I wrapped my daughter up in her blankie, held her close to my chest, kissed her cheek and lifted her up to my Higher Power.  I asked Him to do with her His will and not mine.  I also asked him to keep me out of His will.  God, I need the courage (and it does take courage) to change.

If

If I could take away all your problems, I would.  If I could carry all of your pain, I would.  If I could bring you happiness and joy, I would.  If I could die in your place, I would.   If I could make you feel the loving arms of God holding you, I would.   I would do everything for you IF I could. 

 The truth is that I can’t.  I have no set answers for your problems. I have no set answers for your pain.  I can’t make you feel God’s presence nor can I die in your place.  I always thought I could and did my best to do all of that for you, and in doing that I have crippled you.   Today, I am sorry for carrying you beyond your infancy.  Today, I am sorry for not allowing you to make your own decisions whether those decisions be right or wrong.  In doing FOR you, I have done wrong BY you. 

Please forgive me for not allowing you to spread your wings and fly.  I was sick, I was affected by alcohol as were you, but you got the added bonus of being affected by me.  I thought that I could control everyone’s lives and make them safe and sound.  I could protect all those that I loved by engulfing them in a cocoon and then when all things were perfect the butterfly would emerge.  The problem is the butterfly doesn’t think she’s worthy.  The butterfly thinks she’s pretty only if others say she is….the butterfly thinks she’s of value only if others say it is so.  Oh God, I have done this to my child and I am so terribly sorry.

A new day is dawning

I woke up early this morning and was able to spend the quiet time in the morning in prayer and meditation with my husband.  What a wonderful way to start the day….what a wonderful way to start a future….what a wonderful way to be in the present!

Steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 with the 9th in progress

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  What?  I did something wrong?  I thought it was the alcoholic that did all the bad behaviors; but alas, it is step 4 and I must take a close look at it.  Taking a close look at myself was not the easiest thing in the world to do, especially since I had a strong desire to seek the truth,  which meant asking my Higher Power to reveal all to me.  In Step 1 true I admitted I was a little insane, in Step 3 I was ready to turn my will over to my Higher Power and let Him be in charge. Step 4 rocked my world.  My Higher Power revealed so much to me, even about the horrible way I treated the alcoholic in my life.  I will make no excuse for his behavior, but I am not looking at the alcoholic’s behavior, I am looking at mine.  I had some deep seeded character defects, that although may have been strengthened by the alcoholic, they were mine to begin with or I would not have been able to use them so effectively in my life.  I took a deep honest look at myself and saw a lot of things that I didn’t like. 

Step 5:  Admitted to God, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  Ok, I admitted to God…that was kind of easy because He already knew all of my wrongs.  He saw them when I didn’t.  Admitted to myself that I had done wrong….hard to swallow but I could clearly see where I was wrong.  Admitted to another human being?????  Oh my God, say it isn’t so.  Tell me I don’t have to say out loud the flawed human being that I am.  Tell me that I don’t have to admit that I held resentments over stupid things but those resentments were still affecting my life.  Ok, what did I have to lose.  My life was already unmanageable, I might as well share it with another [trusted] person.  I shared my multitude of flaws with my sponsor.  Oh my God, what a flood of relief flowed over me when she too admitted that she had done some of the same things that I had done and thought some of the same things that I had thought.  I was not unique.  I was a victim of the disease of alcohol and there was hope for my recover.  My hope was written and in living color in the life of my sponsor.  No, she was not my Higher Power, but she was a channel for Him at times and I thank her for being His vessel.

Step 6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.   Yes, I am ready.  I want to be free of those flaws that make me less useful to  my Higher Power and even more useless to those I could help in the here and now.  I was entirely ready to have all my character defects turn into the opposite of what I am today.  I was ready to relinquish my controlling attitude to rely on my Higher Power.  I know that it may not happen all the time, but I know that He is there to do just that when I allow him…..when I don’t think I know more than my Creator.

Step 7.  Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.  Yes, I asked him to remove my shortcomings, but I didn’t grovel.  I stood before him as his creature knowing that His love endures forever.  I knew that He had loved me, both good and bad throughout my life; I just didn’t think I was worthy.  I am worthy.  I am a child of my Higher Power.  If I love my children and can forgive them, how much more can my Higher Power forgive me.

Step 8.  Made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.  My list had been written when I wrote my 4th step inventory.  Minus a few people who I held resentments towards but never harmed them, my list was set.  All I h ad to do now was be willing to go to them face to face and tell them I was wrong, how I had wronged them (if doing so would not hurt them or others), and ask if they could think of other ways I had harmed them.  I had to keep my mouth shut and let the venom flow from their lips if there was any and admit that they were right (if indeed they were right) or admit they could possibly be right or I’m sorry you feel that way (if what they said was not in tune to my OPEN spirit.)  Then I asked how I could set the record straight…how could I make these things I had done to them right?  Pretty easy step….a walk in the park… a piece of cake……  NOT. 

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure or harm them.  I am progress of my 9th step.  I can tell you that although I thought this would be gut wrenching (and yes, I have cried over a few of my amends), it is a freeing experience.  I got things off my chest and was able to once again look at myself…and more importantly, move closer to my Higher Power.  I have a few more amends to make, some will be harder than others, and some will come in a letter that I will read to someone else or at a gravesite.  In many ways I feel like I am walking past tombs of open rotting flesh, but my Higher Power is healing all those tombs.

May I have the strength to complete the work my Higher Power has started in me.

Stuck in the muck

I’ve had a bit of a set back of late.  This set back was not of my own doing, but one of some physical health issues.  It seems that about a month ago, my gallbladder decided to act up and give me a little difficulties.  Now, for the most part, gall bladders give you pain on and off prior to having them yanked out, but my “attack” was insidious.  It was of a sudden onset starting immediately with vomiting and intense right quadrant pain.  The pain radiated up into the right side of my neck and my right shoulder-blade (classic gallbladder symptoms).  Now, my gallbladder didn’t  have a great deal of stones in it (2 large stones which were not causing the problem).  My most severe pain was produced from the fact that I had a great deal of sludge and sticky stuff that was blocking my common bile duct.  Is everyone following me so far?  Good.  So this “muck” blocked up my common bile duct creating an increased pressure that backed up into my pancreas causing a case of pancreatitis.

Now, I’m sure most of the alcoholics in alcoholic land knows about pancreatitis because alcohol is the leading cause of pancreatitis, which is an extremely painful event for sure.  The second most common (which follows a very distant 2nd to alcoholism) is cholelithiasis.   Yep, and you guessed it, I got it.

Now, as I’m praying to my Higher Power and asking him why he would play such a joke on me, a voice (silent in my own mind) reminded me that I wanted to know the pain that the alcoholic goes through in his life.  Although a minor case of pancreatitis and one that will most likely  not return because my gallbladder was yanked up by my surgeon, I got a taste of what it is like to be in pain from pancreatits.  I also know that while I was treated with the utmost dignity and respect because my pancreatitis was due to a ”respectable”  reasons; my Higher Power gave me the gift of empathy for those that suffer from alcohol induced pancreatitis.  For that, I am grateful.

There is another important aspect I learned from my stent with cholelithiasis.  Since I was ill and didn’t feel like fellowshipping with other members of Al-Anon, I had almost lost my spiritual contact with my Higher Power.  Fellowship with others helps keep you on your toes.  Yes, the stepwork is mine and the work is  mine with the help of my Higher Power, but the fellowship of others is equally important because you never know when one of those people you fellowship is going to place at your feet something you desperately need.

Just like my gallbladder of a month ago, I am stuck in the much.  Just like my gallbladder of a month ago, I will have my muck yanked out with a little help from my friends.

A Lesson in Irony and Compassion

A couple of weeks ago, after taking a couple of bites of a tasty stew my father prepared for dinner I developed a sudden onset of vomiting and excruciating abdominal pain.  If I wasn’t praying to the porcelain god in my bathroom, I was writhing on my bed crying like a baby.  After being strongly persuaded by my husband and daughter to make a visit to the Emergency Room in which I work, I was admitted to the hospital.  The initial diagnosis was cholelithiasis (gall stones) but I had an added diagnosis; pancreatitis. 

I couldn’t help but give a slight laugh at my diagnosis.  Pancreatitis is a diagnosis generally reserved for alcoholics.  Pancreatitis is an extremely painful disease that involves inflammation of the pancreas.  Often, in the halls of the Emergency Room, one may hear a comment or two about how the alcoholic “deserves” the pain of pancreatitis since it is a direct result of his drinking.  The irony of pancreatitis is that the second leading cause of pancreatitis is gall stones that have become lodged or move in and out of the common bile duct.  The ladder is what occurred to me.  I have to tell you at this point, that it doesn’t matter whether the pancreatitis is caused from alcoholism or a stone lodged in the common bile duct; the pain is exactly the same.

So, here I am recovering from surgery.  The good thing is that the removal of my gallbladder should end the pain of pancreatitis for me; not so for the alcoholic.  His pain will be intermittently perpetual until his drinking slows down or stops.  His treatment in the Emergency Room may not be met with as much compassion as mine was; a fact I am ashamed to admit out loud.

As part of my recovery, I have been trying to see good even in the midst of disappointment.  Almost immediately I found the good in my medical condition.  Today, I can have true empathy for anyone who has pancreatitis; no matter what the cause.  It’s amazing that when there is a tangible reason that one can pinpoint for possibly having  discomfort that will directly help someone else, it makes the pain much easier to bear.

What we read

Oftentimes I thought it was silly to read those “readers” that are promoted in AA and Al-Anon.  I could read the whole book in an hour or two setting, why would I want to read one page?  Being the control freak that I am, and I am working on changing, I thought it would be just fine to sit down and read the whole book and then be done with it for the year.  (Yes, that is how a sick mind works sometimes.)  No, I didn’t do all the reading in one session but I did think that it wouldn’t hurt to do so.  Once again, I am wrong. 

I have four meditation readers that I read from each day.  Three of the four readers I read only one page from, which is the page for today. The forth book, which isn’t a daily reader but a Hazelton reader on Self-Discovery, I read two pages from each day.   I have come to enjoy my readings; not turning and looking at the next page, but reading my daily readings for THAT day.  It is so  pleasurable to take one page and reflect deeply on its meaning and what that page hold for me.  I’ll admit there are times when I’ve read the page and thought that this has nothing to do with me so I leave it behind and move on with my day.  Generally, at some point during the day, I will reflect on what I read and the meaning for me will become apparent.  I have become to rely on the principle that my Higher Power will give me what I need for that day.  Sometimes what I have read in my reader is not “directly” for me, but I find that I can generally apply the principle of the reading to a situation that I will deal with that day. 

In my area of work, I come in contact with alcoholics and people involved with drugs and their families on a daily basis.  Although I have always felt sorry for them, I have never had the empathetic heart that I do now because of Al-anon.  Feeling sorry for someone is good, it means that all the compassion has not left your body; but feeling empathy for someone allows me to interact with them on a level on which they can relate.  I can not tell you  how many times I have sat with a family member who is crying over their loved ones addiction; now I can freely hold them and give them hope that there is a way they can recover even if the addicted person still uses.  In addition to giving them pamphlets, I can give them words of encouragement or the insight that they are not alone.  In those situations that I have no “real time” experience, I can refer back to what I have read in a reader or meditative book and give them what I can, or what my Higher Power has given me. 

No, I do not offer advice or give them a list of things they should or should not do, what I give them is the understanding that they do not have to go through what they are going through alone.  I try to give them hope that they can regain their sanity (no, I don’t tell them they are insane).  I have found through my attendance in Al-Anon meetings and my renewed relationship with my Higher Power that there is sanity within me, that there is comfort and peace in me and my surroundings, and I don’t have to go through difficult times alone.  I am learning that self-pity is destructive to me and those around me and I make every attempt not to wollar around in the “oh whoa is me” pit. 

I can remember reading a line in one of the many books I’ve read as of late that we can feel a “blessing” when we belong to AA or Al-Anon because we now have steps that will lead us to some sort of normalcy of life.  I laughed when I read it because to belong to AA or Al-Anon there must be a problem with alcohol in  your life or the life of someone you care about.  Gee, what a blessing that is!! (written with the utmost sarcasm one can write with).  Now, I have come to believe that I am truly blessed because if it were not for alcoholism that drove me to Al-Anon and AA meetings, I would not have been welcomed into a fellowship that can not only give me the freedom to be me and be accepted; but it also gives me tools to living that help me in my everyday life.  I laughed to myself when I meet someone and think, “it’s too bad there isn’t alcohol in your life because this program would really help you.”  I know, that is a very judgemental comment, but I’m still learning and the thing that I have learned most is how to be honest with myself.  My Higher Power has a lot of work to do with me so for now I am comfortable being judgemental in the aspect that this program, although designed for those that suffer from alcohol or the effects of alcohol, can be so beneficial for everyone.

Enough of my ramblings… take what you need, leave the rest.